Scenes From Too Many Gyms

Our photocopier has found religion

2006-04-24T10:25:00.002-07:00

And while I am very happy for it, why the hell does it have to force its views on me???

The gym where I work is a Jewish center. All very well and good. In January, after about 10 years of considering it, they finally opened the gym on Saturday, or Shabbat, the Jewish holy day of rest. You are not supposed to work or use electricity blah blah blah. However, even though the gym was not open during Saturday, they still gave swimming lessons and hosted little kids' birthday parties anyway.

I call it "Big Fake Shabbat" at our gym. One, it's called "working out", so why are you coming to the gym if you are so holy? We are not allowed to use the cash register for financial transactions (OK --- that part makes sense) or use the photocopier.

I said I wasn't Jewish so why can't I use the photocopier to copy an exercise program for my client. The girl said it didn't make sense to her either (she wasn't Jewish either.)

All I can say is, when Ramadan comes, I expect the Jewish management to fast with me. If they don't want to fast for a month, then let me use the copier for 2 seconds.

After all, the lights, fans, 56 pieces of cardio equipment and accompanying TVs all run on electricity. You really aren't fooling anyone.

Here is an even better one -- some woman set an appointment on Shabbat with another trainer, then didn't call to cancel because "I can't use the phone on Shabbat." So she was just a no-show instead.

Dos pequitos frijoles

2006-04-21T13:14:00.000-07:00

There is this woman at the gym who always wears the same two thin cotton T-shirts (and she doesn't even alternate them, just wears one constantly for days on end till she switches to the other) and no bra. Her nipples are always out there like a cat who gave birth. It is gross. And she is NOT hot or anything. If anything, she looks like a mildly retarded 12-year-old boy.

I think it is gross but two other trainers (one a 65-y-o woman and the other a 23-year-old guy) say it's OK because her breasts aren't big.

The guy, R, who hails from the Dominican Republic says "All she has are two little frijoles." He then gestures at his chest, abruptly points his fingers and says "PLOOOP" like his frijoles just went up. I congratulated him on saying th funniest thing of the day.

Language lesson: frijoles = beans in Spanish.

so .... you didn't bother actually talking to a trainer, huh?

2006-04-10T13:02:00.000-07:00

I often read this online chat on www.washingtonpost.com called "The Moving Crew", which is just a bunch of health journalists taking health and fitness questions. A lot of times, they give bad advice. When I have written in advice, I notice they parrot it in later chats.

After listening to them go off on trainers and all the things they should give members, etc etc, I wrote the following in, and their reply shows they have never actually talked to anyone who works in a gym, other than the manager (who is almost always out of shape, by the way) and certainly isn't going to admit that they run the gym like an old-school plantation:

Feb 14, 2006 chat

New York: Most trainers spend hundreds and even thousands of dollars educating themselves, then get paid only $7 an hour when they work for a gym like WSC (no joke -- that's what they pay for the floor.)

Also, a lot of members devalue free advice, simply because it is free. And the trainer can get fired for giving out free advice, because management assumes they are getting paid under the table, even if they are not.

Gym memberships come with 2 free hours with a trainer as it is --- for which the trainer does not get paid extra over the princely sum of $7 an hour.

And when you pay $70 and upwards for an hour of training session, the trainer -- who shows up at 6am and designs and guides you through your workout and actually KNOWS and LIKES you -- gets all of $22 before they pay taxes on it.

It's why so many trainers go freelance yet charge less than the gym.

Craig Stoltz: Wow, thanks much for that insight-from-the-trenches, New York. It does help us understand what's going on from the other side of that staff t-shirt.

_______________________

Space hogs

2006-04-05T08:26:00.000-07:00

For the past couple of days, people at the gym have been even more hoggy about space than usual. It seems wherever I am standing --- no matter HOW MUCH space there is around me -- someone has to take it. They come right up to my ear and say "Excuse me" in a peeved sort of way. They always do it when I am with a client, so in the interest of being professional and not making my client uncomfortable, I just say "of course" and move out of the way.

You know, just because someone is in uniform doesn't mean come power-trip and be aggressive about space. It really is so stupid. Glad I am leaving these assholes soon.

Good morning, sunshine!

2006-04-04T09:59:00.000-07:00

The title to this entry is ironic.

There is a woman who grouses in a loud voice constantly! I found out she teaches math to fourth graders, which might explain why she is so loud and impatient. Nevertheless, I also think it is appropriate that she almost always wears a T-shirt with crabs on it (it is advertising something in Maryland, which is known for crabcakes.)

This woman is loud, cranky and rapidly aging. She just gives off a mean vibe.

Today I noticed she was reading a book, so I noted the title "Getting to Commitment" and looked it up on amazon.com. (review below). Seriously, I could have saved her the price of the book and told her what she needs to know for free:

Amazon.com
Do your relationships always crash? Do your married friends wonder what's wrong? "They write sitcoms about people like us," says "commitmentphobia" expert Steven Carter, "but it looks a lot more fun on the small screen than it feels in real life." The problem may be your fear of the risks of intimacy and commitment. Carter himself was a closet "commitmentphobic" when he wrote Men Who Can't Love. Now, in Getting to Commitment, he explains how to break those patterns and forge intimate connections--as he has done in his own life.

Announcing my retirement

2006-03-31T11:41:00.000-08:00

Wow -- I haven't written in a while, but believe me, I will make up for it.

I am announcing my retirement (though not to anyone at the gym -- yet.) As of September 21, 2006 (the day before I turn 33), I will never set foot in a commercial gym again, not even to work out myself.

I have been doing this for about 10 years, and the people get meaner and dumber (yes, many many stories to come.) Not to mention disgusting. And I am sick to death of it.

In fact, the NY Times synopsized it last May. It is at the point where they actually have workshops on how to handle people's poor manners in the gym.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THURSDAY STYLES

Were You Raised by Wolves? Or Perhaps Weight Lifters?
By MARTICA HEANER (NYT) 1439 words
Published: May 26, 2005

SWEAT puddles left unwiped on exercise benches, dirty tissues tossed on the floor, members whose unwashed T-shirts reek of days-old perspiration, cranky gymgoers who berate the staff when their favorite class is full: poor manners are rampant at health clubs. And all too often one quarrelsome member lashes out at another.
Robert Katel, a copywriter and a member at Equinox on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, had been making his way through his usual workout when it came time to use a weight machine for his back and chest. Just as he approached, a woman scooted in first. After she had finished her first set, Mr. Katel asked her if he could do a set of his own while she rested. She refused.

''After waiting while she did three sets, I asked how much longer she would be,'' Mr. Katel said. ''She said, 'One more set,' but ordered me to go away. I did not, so she did extra sets, repeatedly telling me to leave.''

When he held part of the machine to prevent her from continuing, he said, ''she screamed as if she was being mugged.'' A manager intervened, allowing him to take his turn.

Gyms always have had to deal with members behaving badly and the occasional tiff, but the problem is getting worse, says Brenda Abdilla, a consultant who has advised health clubs for two decades on marketing, sales and management. ''In the past two or three years I've seen incidents at clubs escalate in both number and severity,'' Ms. Abdilla said.

In 1989 she began teaching classes for club managers nationwide on how to handle difficult members. At first she advised managers to adopt a customer-is-always-right policy. But after witnessing more and more exercisers shouting at gym staff members, she now teaches clients not to tolerate unreasonable behavior. ''I've seen people overreact in situations as minor as who reserved a machine or a tanning bed,'' she said. ''Many will reach a breaking point and completely lose it.''

Even at the most upscale gyms, flagrant breaches of etiquette are on the rise. To help rein in the unruly, many clubs have resorted to tactics long used by school principals: posting signs requesting cooperation, including pleas for exercisers to please wipe down mats and machines after use.

The Peninsula Spa, a New York health club, and Equinox clubs nationwide give new members printouts delineating the expected protocol. (''Arrive clean and free of scents that might distract or offend others.'' ''Do not crowd a member who has come into a class before you.'')

The Sports Club/LA gyms go further. New members must sign an agreement to abide by the club's bylaws. Repeat offenders, like those who use banned cellphones, are given an adult timeout -- suspended for up to 30 days -- and kicked out if the conduct continues when they return. ''People seem to shape up after getting suspended, so we have not yet had to terminate a membership,'' said Tonya Jacobs, the general manager at the location on the Upper East Side of Manhattan.

Hitting the gym, like beachgoing, is not for the faint of heart. Being in public dressed in figure-hugging workout gear can make even the most confident feel vulnerable and, perhaps as a result, act snippy. ''A person who is insecure about their body is in a more negative frame of mind, which can cause them to react angrily,'' said Dr. Pauline Wallin, a psychologist and the author of ''Taming Your Inner Brat.''

Exercisers also often look and smell their worst mid-workout. Faces turn splotchy. T-shirts grow speckled with sweat. And that can lead, at the very least, to some uncomfortable encounters.

''I see people -- especially guys -- who either do not wear antiperspirant or shower, or they wear the same gym outfit,'' Jenn Paganelli, a publicist in New York City and a member of Crunch. ''They stick it in their locker, and it ferments overnight, making the scent worse as the week goes on.'' While everyone else notices the stench, the offender seems oblivious.

Part of the problem is that exercisers have different norms. ''Men especially view being sweaty, smelly and crude as part of the athletic process,'' explained Dr. Stephen Franzoi, a psychologist specializing in esteem and physical appearance at Marquette University in Milwaukee.

An instructor or club manager sometimes discreetly informs people that they have an odor problem. And some impatient members take matters into their own hands. Brian Feuer, a hedge fund manager in New York, once sat next to a man in a spinning class at Equinox on the Upper East Side who ''reeked,'' he recalled. ''I said, 'Pal, you have got to wash your clothes.' He sniffed his armpit and said, 'I'm sorry, I'll come to class clean from now on.'''

Not all confrontations end so decently. Devotees stake out favored spots in studio classes to place themselves strategically at the seat of power near the instructor or to lay claim to real estate with the best view. Woe to the newcomer who disrupts the established order, because some members fight for a coveted space.

Lisa Singer, an instructor at several clubs in New York, including at the Sports Club/LA, once saw a woman set up her mat and equipment in another's usual place during a conditioning class. A confrontation ensued. The usurper wouldn't move, so the testy regular whacked her with a Body Bar (a pole that can weigh 15 pounds). The assailant was escorted from the club.

Weight lifters flex their muscles in other ways. Slamming a weight on the floor or grunting while lifting is ''about needing to preen and exhibit territorial behavior,'' said Dr. Jack Raglin, a sports psychologist at Indiana University in Bloomington. ''The gym just seems to bring out the animal in some people.''

It's also unsettling to cross paths with an acquaintance at the gym. Seeing an ex on a treadmill or witnessing an acquaintance clumsily struggling through a dance class can be embarrassing.

''When I used to run into people from work, I would only use the showers with opaque doors, and I undressed at the farthest row of lockers,'' said A.J. Hanley, a magazine editor. ''I felt like I had to avert my eyes.''

Navigating a locker room with naked strangers is one thing, but seeing a colleague bend over to rub lotion over every square inch of skin can be jarring. And seeing a superior's saggy bits can disturb the balance in a relationship. If a worker and boss do come face to face, Dr. Wallin advised: ''Cover up, and avert your eyes by focusing on dressing during a conversation. Too much information is not always a good thing.''

Maintain Heart Rate; Keep Cool

SHARING the gym can be relatively sweat-free if members follow these codes of conduct:

Have a Plan B. ''Some days your workout will not go as planned,'' said Dr. Jack Raglin, a sports psychologist at Indiana University in Bloomington. Have an alternative plan in case all the treadmills or spinning bikes are taken.

Complain discreetly. When a problem arises, bring it to the attention of club management rather than confronting the offending member. ''Let it go,'' even if the other party was at fault, advised Joan Caraganis Jakobson, the author of the etiquette book ''And One More Thing. '' The short-term satisfaction of putting obnoxious people in their place is not worth inciting a case of gym rage.

Diffuse tension. Apologize when you're trying to squeeze into a nearly full studio class. Or use humor to lighten the mood when a line of exercisers is caught behind a water guzzler determined on filling his 24-ounce bottle at the fountain before anyone else has a drink.

Befriend annoying members. ''Learning their name and seeing them in a more personal way means they are less likely to bug you in the future,'' said Dr. Pauline Wallin, a psychologist and the author of ''Taming Your Inner Brat.''

Lavish praise on the worthy. Offering kind words to a courteous staff member or fellow exerciser encourages everyone to behave better, said Letitia Baldrige, the author of ''New Manners for New Times.'' MARTICA HEANER

Copyright 2006 The New York Times Company

So worth my time!!

2006-02-01T07:53:00.000-08:00

OK -- let's balance out all the crap with a positive entry! This happened today too -- BEFORE the "regression agression".

I showed up at my 7am session and the client-- whom I met for the first time today -- had already done his warm-up, and only wanted a 40 minute workout, though he had paid for a full hour, so he could go to work earlier. On top of that, he tipped me $20, which I get in addition to my fee! Yay!

How they regress

2006-02-01T07:46:00.000-08:00

A note: While I account stupid things people say and do in the gym, it really doens't linger on my mind. After all, in the grand scheme of things, none of this minutiae matters. It's JUST A GYM!!!!

Nevertheless, this happened at the end of my training session this morning:

I was getting ready to stretch my client out (we end every session with 10 minutes of assisted stretching) but another lady was doing some aggressive leg lifts right where we had been working out side by side. So I picked up our mat so we could move elsewhere. Because you can't really relax to stretch properly when you think someone might kick you in the head.

"Oh," said the other lady (whom I had helped figure out the exercise bike before my client's session started), "were you going to use this space?"

"No," I said, "we'll just move over there. It's OK."

"Because I was here first!" she said petulantly.

"There's plenty of room over there, it's OK," I said as my client and I moved away.

Seriously -- we were moving already without any issue, what the hell was that about? But people really do regress in the gym. Also, that lady had watched us for the last 20 minutes while we were working out, because she remembered I had helped her earlier. Maybe she thought I should be available for her? There are often people who have no use for me but as soon as they see me give my undivided attention to a client, they suddenly need so much help, with machines I never saw them try once otherwise.

It's weird.

Why do I even bother?

2006-01-20T10:08:00.000-08:00

I got to the gym by 5:45am to have it ready and open by 6 am. I am in charge of the cardio and weight rooms, so I have it all set up and ready.

Unfortunately, our lifeguard overslept and was 20 minutes late. You cannot have the pool open without a certified lifeguard.

So people who intended to swim had to make do with another type of workout.

I said "Good morning" to one woman who came in and paused by my desk.

She looks at me and bitches "The lifeguard didn't come in again. Unbelievable!" Then she walks off.

(Another lifeguard missed opening about 8 months ago.)

OK -- why are you bitching at me when the front desk guys explained to you that they were doing all they could to get a lifeguard here? Obviously, I got here in time to open, or you would have no one to bitch to -- so why grouse at me as if it was my fault? Why do I even bother greeting you whores?

If the pool had been open without a lifeguard present, everyong would have groused that it was unsafe. They always become the safety police whenever they see a slightly wet floor or whatever.

At least she didn't blow her nose in my face.

the nose show

2006-01-17T13:58:00.000-08:00

We keep a box of Kleenex at the personal trainers' desk for members to use.

What I don't understand is why people take a Kleenex and then don't turn away from us to blow their noses. They look past us -- because our servile asses must not exist -- and blow loud and disgustingly right in our faces.

It's like a gross and boring reality show I can't turn off.

gotta feel these balls

2005-11-30T13:03:00.000-08:00

so you know that, between the physioballs and the medicine balls, the chance to make a gross double entendre about the word "balls" comes up a lot at the gym. And we of course jump right on those chances.

The latest ---

Fellow trainers Big J and SXM as well as our boss D were pumping air into several of our severely deflated physioballs (so many were unusable that we had been left with two in the entire gym.) They then hit each one on the side to check that it was properly inflated.

I asked Big J if he could help me fix a certain weight machine that was stuck,

"One sec," he said. "I just got to feel these balls."

"OK, Big J," I said. "You just feel those balls."

He grinned and told me to shut up.

woman to woman

2005-11-16T13:28:00.000-08:00

so --- I sent security up to the gym after a WBNA (Women's National Basketball Association) player who wouldn't leave when we closed. Now, I have heard the rumor -- and I know it to be true through the grapevine -- that the membership director givs them permission to stay later. However, no one has told me that directly, and there is disagreement among the managers if this should be allowed.

So, at 10:20p, we trainers walk through the weight rooms and say "10 more minutes, everyone." When I did that, she made this exasperated sigh, all loud. She was not the only person in the room, I have to address everyone. I just thought that was obnoxious.

When we closed later, she was playing in the court (even though I had picked up all the towels and basketballs, because God forbid the basketball players actually respect the court and not leave it a pigsty.) My coworker V and I said we're closed.

She waves us off and says "I'll get the lights" which is dumb because you need a key to switch off the court's lights -- it is not an ordinary lightswitch.

So on the way out I just let security know that a WBNA player was still upstairs and did not listen to us even though we had said the place was closed at least twice.

The next morning, the security guard told me he knew of the deal with membership so he let it go (security worls overnight, so I saw them as they were leaving their shift). I said that was OK, but the player had not said anything to that effect to me, nor had membership so I didn't know for sure.

He put his arm in the air in an affected manner and said "oh she thinks she's really famous and everyone should automatically know who she is". We both laughed about that. I have no clue who she is. Nor do I care.

Here is a question: why am I expected by some to watch the women's leagus and support women's teams because I am a woman, when those women players do not respect me as a woman trying to do my job, just because it pays so very much less than theirs do? Is it a gender or a class issue? We're both minorities in this case. oh well. WHO CARES!!!!

stupid bee-yatch story

2005-11-11T18:59:00.000-08:00

On Tuesday, this girl (probably in her 20s but very immature, as you will see), walked into th gym at 10:15 pm and asked "What time do you close -- 10:30p or 10:45p?"

I answered "10:30p".

"Lovely!" she chirped and skipped off to do a 15 minute workout.

SO ---- 15 minutes later I am closing the gym and go into the machine room. "It's 10:30, everyone. The gym is closed."

The one other guy gets up and leaves. She stays on the inner-thigh machine and doesn't move. I walk over there (the light swich is by there as it is) and I say "The gym is closed."

She asks "Can I finish this set?" (For the uninitiated, a set is a bunch of repetitions.)

"No, because of insurance reasons, I have to close at closing time." I go to the light switch and turn to look at her, because I am not going to just turn the light off on someone.

"Lovely," she huffs. Then looks up, "I'm sure management would love to know this."

I just look at her. Management knows what time we close. I don't see what this stupid little c**** is threatening me for. I am doing my job. Furthermore, 10:30p was fine with her a mere 15 minutes earlier.

"The gym closes at 10:30pm," I say.

"Well, you don't have to be so rude about it," she huffs. "What's your name?"

I tell her my name, and say "I answered the question you asked. I'm sorry if you think it's rude." I have nothing to hide from this f***ing typical piece of trash -- sets up a situation and plays victim when she doesn't get what she wants.

She gets up and huffs away.

SO ------ I am so sick and tired of these stupid little girls -- doesn't matter what age they are. For the record, I am a young female myself. But my sisters, friends and I never acted like this.

You see these bitches all the time. They wear flip-flops in summer and thigh-high "Pretty Woman" hooker boots in winter. They dress like Britney Spears circa 1998, with midriff showing no matter how pudgy. They aren't nice, they only like people who do things for them or give them things, they have a gaggle of stupid friends just like them because they are too ragingly insecure to do anything alone. They don't like their friends, they don't like themselves and by GOD someone will pay for that if they don't have Tiffany's this and Louis Vuitton that (and someone else better earn the money for it). How dare anyone imply that the rules apply to them?

If my colleagues, Big J, about whom there are rumors that he is being scouted for professional basketball, told her the same thing, she would have left without comment. But she saw a young brown female and decided to make issues.

Do thes bitches care that if an accident happened at even 10:31p, I would get fired? That I don;t get paid after 10:30p? That I have missed many a bus and train and have taken up to an hour to get home at night because they have to stretch all of a sudden on their way out the door? Of course not. It's all about THEM.

Doesn't matter -- my boss sighed when she heard the story and said "It's just the typical 'f*** you' attitude some members take because they don't respect the people who work here. I'll handle it."

Follow-up to "So Very Stupid" (Sept 1)

2005-10-11T19:16:00.000-07:00

I asked J how was her orientation with the idiotic girl who had asked for a male trainer. She told me I would love this story:

The girl's orientation was at 10:00 a. At 3:15a that day, J got a call on her cell phone. J was already up studying for an exam, but was concerned because you can only get bad news at that time of night, right? Turns out she had a voice mail from Idiot, canceling.

J said that was fine, but she knew Idiot would face her eventually. So Idiot comes down around 1p that day to the gym (she lives UPSTAIRS in the residence halls that are part of the same building at the gym!) "Sorry", she tells J.

"That's fine, I am glad you are OK because I thought I was getting a call about someone in an accident at that time of night," said J.

"BUT", she continues, "what gets me is you stood right there and asked for a man. because you thought with a man you would giggle and flirt your way out of doing any real work. So ia m not even gong to take you upstairs to my chambers" -- which is how J refers to the free weights room --- "but work with you now on these little baby weights here". There is a stack of weights by the treadmills in the cardio area --- J didn't bother telling Idiot they actually go up to 25 lbs.

Idiot whined about that but J told her she was being nice taking an hour out of her day to teach her anything when she had skipped her appointment earlier. Idiot finally learned to shut up.

And then J kicked her ass (metaphorically, with the baby weights)!

so very stupid

2005-09-01T18:42:00.000-07:00

Two college girls royally pissed me off today. They came to sign up for the free orientation with a trainer that every new member gets. They were puffy and out of shape, and stupid to boot. AND they used upspeak!!!

One signed up for a time slot over a week away. Then asked if she would get yelled at if she didn't show or was late.

I said "It's 8 days away. That's plenty of time to plan to be there on time."

Then she asked if I could put her with "someone good."

I got pissed. "Everyone who works here is good." And to someone as porky as she was, how the hell would she know what good and bad was in exercise anyway????

"Oh!" she said. "I am sure everyone here is probably fine."

"We ARE all fine," I told her.

Then the other one had the nerve to ask me (in the presence of J and C, my two female coworkers) if they could have a guy.

Our heads all snapped to attention. "Why?" I asked. "What's wrong with having a female?"

"Oh," she said, realizing how stupid and sexist she sounded, and that she had just pissed off three women who work out for a living and were standing right in front of her. "I just want someone who can hurt me."

"Oh, you think we can't hurt you????" I said.

J was fired up "Give her to me," she said. "You are getting one of my time slots and I will work you out."

"OK", she said, sheepishly. "I guess it's on now."

As she left, she tried to plead her case and said she had once been a personal trainer (when? She's 18.) and she just didn't want someone who wold say in wimpy voice "OK, now do 3 more". She mimed a bicep curl as she said this.

"No one here trains like that," I told her.

The first one said "Sorry to be so picky."

I don't hate you because you're picky, I pity you because you are dumb.

J said she would kick the other girl's ass at the session. As she has won some female bodybuilding contests and served in the military, Iam sure that girl's wish to get hurt will be duly fulfilled.

Be careful what you wish for!!!!

A celebrity rave!

2005-08-02T18:11:00.000-07:00

I trained a well-known older actress today (anonymous as always) and she was a very sweet and surprisingly strong woman.

She is so much more famous than this idiot news anchor I once trained in Boston. The news anchor seemed unable to get that no one outside of Boston knew who the hell she was -- nor did they care. The funny thing about her was she was obsessed with her butt and legs -- which were actually perfectly fine -- which is doubly odd as the cameras don't film news anchors below the waist anyway.

What is it with women on crappy news shows? Why do they think they get to be divas? And why do they always come to the gym where I am working? ugh.

Ah, the joy of being a thief

2005-07-19T15:04:00.000-07:00

An old woman stole a sweat towel right in front of me today. She looked at me, took a folded towel off the metal rack on which we keep them, put it into her big black old-lady purse -- still looking at me -- and then walked away.

As for me, I don't care. I don't see why anyone would want to steal something everyone has sweated on and that has been washed in bleach about 50 times a day. But -- to each their own.

I don't know what I would have said to this

2005-06-17T07:41:00.000-07:00

Some guy checked into the gym and said to E, our manager who happened to be behind the desk at the time, "I am going to be on the bike over there. After about 25 minutes, come by and check that my water is full."

E just said "I'll have someone come over, sir."

Seriously --- how stupid!! This is NOT a restaurant and we are not waiters! Fill up your own water bottle before you get on a piece of equipment. And anyway, you can damn well burn the extra calories going to get stuff for yourself in a gym instead of complaining to staff that they should do every single little thing for you. You came here to lose weight, right? Or so the theory goes.

I have a saying -- "The gym is a microcosm of all Man's issues." This shows: insecurity, the need to condescend, arrogance. Ding ding ding! You have won the "Issues of the Day" award! Come by in 25 minutes and collect it! It is in the shape of an upheld middle finger!

You haven't done enough to be a diva

2005-06-12T10:37:00.000-07:00

I had a woman I will call "Miranda Loga" come into the gym today. As she signed in, I asked if it was her first time there (a standard question.)

She said "No, I was here yesterday."

I said, "You did look familiar" (I had worked yesterday.)

She said, "No, you should recognize me from television."

I just gave her a blank stare because frankly, I spend so much time working in gyms that I just don't watch TV anymore. And I thought that was a rather narcissistic thing to say.

She continued "I'm Miranda Loga? I announce the lottery numbers? I say "This is Mi-RAND-a Loga! With today's lottery numbers!"

I just smiled and said "I don't play the lottery." (Why don't I just flush a dollar down the toilet every day for all that ticket will get me?)

The woman then told me how she had to work out and then dress in a gown for the Puerto Rican Day parade which is today. She then wanted me to change the channel on a TV that another woman was already watching. How rude!

I asked the other woman if she was watching the program. She gave a rueful smile, recognizing the selfish, difficult personality with which we were both now dealing, and said "Put it on whatever she wants."

I did. Path of least resistance and all that. But wow --- you announce lottery numbers for a living and think you are Diane Sawyer??? Whatever.

Gym junk food

2005-05-31T14:26:00.000-07:00

The ironic thing is, whenever I ate junk food at the gym, I always got it from the gym's own vending machine.

Trainers notoriously have to eat junk food while hiding in places like a junkie. Here is a list of popular places to eat secretly, as members behave like it is better to do drugs in the open than to eat anything:

Under the trainer desk

In a bathroom stall, flushing the toilet to conceal unwrapping noises

In the tanning bed (if available)

In an unused aerobics studio

Behind the laundry machines (if towel service is provided)

While riding up and down in the elevator, not getting off until you are finished eating

I think you burn all the calories searching fo a clandestine place to eat the junk food, so it's all good!

get out!

2005-05-30T05:27:00.000-07:00

I can't stand when it's time to close the gym, and you have made announcements every 5 minutes for the last 20 minutes about the closing time, and some people will STILL whine that they want more time. They will say "the other people are still here." At which point I get pissed and say "I'm getting rid of ALL of you right now!"

I can only tell each person individually that we are closed when they are rude enough not to be packed up and gone by the actual closing time. But if you all point out another person is here and I have to go around to each of you multiple times, it doesn't work. No one leaves and I don't get paid past closing time. So for a**holes who do that, I have to say -- you know how you get to go home from work at a certain time? So do I. The contract you signed to join the gym specifically states what times the gym floor is available to you. Don't abuse it.

Also -- for insurance reasons --- the gym is only covered for the hours it states it is open, not one minute past. One woman once joked, "So, at 10:31 pm, I can sue you?" I smiled and said "No, because I warn you about the closing time for 20 minutes prior, so it will be your fault for staying."

food obsessions

2005-05-24T08:35:00.000-07:00

One thing I have noticed is that people at the gym resent whenever they see a personal trainer eating -- like starvation is so very healthy! I don't mean in the gym, but if you happen to be in uniform even outside.

One woman in DC made a big show of looking at my uniform and then snorting at me when I went to Starbucks in the Tenleytown area near the gym where I worked at the time. Not that she was a member of my gym or had hired me to train her. Not that she knew I was getting a skim milk steamer. She just wanted to judge because frankly. she had to be jealous. Otherwise -- why would she care?

The colors! The colors!

2005-05-14T15:47:00.000-07:00

At our gym (as at most gyms), there are a varierty of physio-balls -- those big inflated balls used for stability exercises. They come in different colors and circumferences.

My fellow trainer SXM held up the blue inflated ball and asked me to hand him the green one, as it was a better size for his client.

"Hey, SXM!" I said. "Do you have blue balls?"

He laughed and said, "Yes!" and threw the ball at me.

I managed to catch it.

A healthy gym!

2005-05-05T06:57:00.000-07:00

I remember when I worked at a gym in the northwest quadrant Washington, DC, we decided to have an Open House, which included some items from local merchants so they could display their wares.

Unfortunately, the only local merchants we really had in that largely residential area was a pizza parlor and a liquor store. So we had pizza and beer at our open house. We even had a girl checking IDs by the massive keg that sat right in our window so all passers-by could see it.

When we closed that night, the liquor store had forgotten to pick up the keg. So we filled a few water bottles with beer before we left for the night.

Like old times

2005-05-03T11:56:00.000-07:00

I covered a floor shift for a coworker at a time when I am never at the gym --- between 12 pm and 5 pm. This, apparently, is when the senior citizen van makes a stop at the front door because everyone in there was soooooo old they made my 80-y-o grandmother seem like a spring chicken. And my grandmother is a lot more fun too.

(Actually, my grandmother IS a lot of fun, so this is probably a poor comparison.)

Here is what I noticed at Geriatric Park: old people are as obsessed with getting their blood pressure checked as young people are with checking their weight, getting a body fat ratio and generally checking out each other and themselves in the mirror. Reminds me of the parakeet I used to have in the 3rd grade -- she looked at herself in the mirror (and had whole conversations with her reflection).

It was bound to happen

2005-04-28T08:21:00.000-07:00

Someone was doing sit-ups and they let out a pants-ripping old fart. I was about to die laughing before I died from the smell.

Is there such a thing as a "loud and deadly"?

so much work, so few people

2005-04-26T10:47:00.000-07:00

The gym continues to be massively understaffed. It is down to myself and one other trainer, alternating evenings for the closing shift. It is supposed to be two trainers on each shift, always. But we each just work alone and that is bull.

So I blocked off all my hours in the orientation book because if I have to work alone, no one is getting a free orientation. I have to be available to the general membership, as there are at least two people who walk with canes who come in on my shift, and they need assistance adjusting machines. So be it.

Another wondrous rave!

2005-04-26T08:39:00.000-07:00

A young guy with a mohawk whom I see every night during my shift told me this was his last night at our gym, as he was going back to Wisconsin. He said it was nice meeting me -- even though we never actually knew each other's names. That was cool.

It reminds me of this one time in 2003 when I was working at a Boston Sports Club that had a contract with a local hotel so their guests could use the gym. These two guys were up from Florida for a week on business, and came to say goodbye to all of us before they went home.

sigh

2005-04-14T07:42:00.000-07:00

I hate when people line up at the cardio court and wait for me to finish with a client to ask me this stupid question:

"Where are the weight rooms?"

You know it exists! It is the mainstay of any gym! Go look for it!

Honey, you're fat.

2005-04-11T10:23:00.000-07:00

My fellow trainer EGD and a member whom I will name "George" asked how I would tell someone they were fat. I asked if it was someone I was dating? They say hypothetically, yes.

So I went up to EGD (who is also a girl) and pinched the sides of her stomach and said in a googly baby voice "You have love handles!" Then I chucked her under he chin and said "How cute -- we match!"

EGD said "She's good! That's the best answer I have heard to that question."

George said "I still think I am going to get slapped when I say that."

I like this website

2005-04-08T07:12:00.000-07:00

This site is actually hosted by the gym chain Equinox. I like the concept of body age, ever since I first learned of it in 2001. It is the concept that, due to how you take care of it, your body age can be a lot younger (or older) than your biological age.

Check it out.

www.loweryourbodyage.com

The potential for lawsuits is mindboggling!

2005-04-05T13:57:00.000-07:00

So the geniuses we call by the misnomer "management" at our gym have decided to put a Pilates reformer apparatus in the middle of our cardio court.

(For those of you are unfamiliar, the Pilates reformer apparatus is a specially-designed machine, especially created for physiotherapy, but now used in the core strengthening work of Pilates. Most Pilates classes involve a basic mat and focus on the core (torso) of the body. Other Pilates classes involve a specifically-designed apparatus and have comprehensively trained professionals leading the class. These classes are available less than the Mat classes due to fewer instructors trained to use the apparatus. However, that is slowly but steadily changing.
For more information: www.pilates-studio.com)

Basically, the potential to get hurt on this is amazing, which is why you are not supposed to use it unless under the supervision of a trained professional who has specifically been certified to teach Pilates Reformer. Our gym decides to put it out in the open in the most populated area, by the treadmills, elliptical gliders, etc, right in the stretching area with the head of it next to our weights. And they imagine no one will ever sit on it.

The other thing is, when someone is on the Pilates reformer, they use it to stretch their legs in all sorts of embarrassing positions. So now they get to this to a full house!

The idea here is to charge for one-on-one Pilates sessions, which makes sense and would be a good money-maker for the gym. But seriously, a little strategic planning of where to do this would have been great --- considering we have tons of little private studios throughout the building.

Another great thing --- a Pilates instructor got all huffy that someone put their "sweaty butt" on it when they used it for a bench. Um, that's because the bench that was there 2 days ago got moved to put the Reformer there. And face it, people sweat when they do cardio!

I can tell this Pilates Reformer situation is going to be oodles of fun. I have urged people to write down their concerns to the management so that we can get it moved to a more appropriate place.

Ever more upspeak

2005-04-05T09:47:00.000-07:00

A girl asked me a question last night in which every other word was "like". As a result, it took her so long to say the sentence that I was frankly getting alarmed.

"like, do you know like where like I could like buy like some like --those things -- weights! -- like to work out like at home?"

The answer is "Modell's".

Groundhog's Day II

2005-04-04T07:34:00.000-07:00

The same woman has come to me every day this past week and asked me where a lost Ipod would be turned in. Every day I give her the same answer. My coworkers tell me they have asked them too -- several times each --- and they tell her the same answer: lost-and-found at the check-in desk.

I guess she really doesn't want to believe it is gone. But it's been a week and face it, people steal. In fact, every time anyone has lost an Ipod or its headphones, they don't get it back (except for my friend JDM because he knew where he had left his bag and at what time ---a 3 minute discrepancy of when he left it and when he returned for it. Security checked their videotapes, saw who took it, and confronted her when she returned.)

Wicked pissah!

2005-03-29T09:27:00.000-08:00

Seeing the ads for the new Jimmy Fallon movie "Fever Pitch" (in which he plays a Boston-based Red Sox fan so enamored with the team that his relationship is at risk) reminded me of something I had to do as a personal trainer in Boston.

I had to keep up a perfunctory knowledge of and feign a love for the Boston Red Sox, the New England Patriots and, every once in a while, the Boston Bruins because that is what my clients always wanted to talk about first thing in the morning the day after 'da big game'. And believe me, there was always some big game the night before.

Now that I live in New York, I will freely admit -- I hate all those teams! I hate Boston!

Locker room crap

2005-03-28T12:09:00.000-08:00

I got another great one in the locker room.

Some woman said since I work there, I should not take a locker near her because she needed 2 next to each other (why?) I told her I only take a locker for the day, I clear it out when I leave, and she came AFTER I did so how was I supposed to know where she was going to be?

She didn't speak English well and saw she had pissed me off, she said beseechingly "Please don't take it personally."

I said whatever! and walked away. And no, I didn't move my stuff to a new locker.

Just too precious

2005-03-28T10:07:00.000-08:00

This is a REAL suggestion that someone wrote in to our gym's management this past weekend:

"Suggestion: Pad the area inside and around the water fountains with foam or some other such material so people don't bump their heads when getting a drink."

Oh. My. God.

"Mr. Magoo" meets "Groundhog's Day"

2005-03-25T08:34:00.000-08:00

As you have undoubtedly noted, both on this blog and in your own gym, there are some people who are not there to work out but rather to create problems.

At my gym, there is a woman who always asks me or another trainer to help her on every machine b/c she forgot her glasses and can't read anything. And the next day she asks again for the same reasons and b/c she forgot everythig you said a mere 24 hours ago. Then she doesn't actually work out, but does about 5 minutes of cardio and then leaves.

Only to return the next day!

Women: You are NOT going to bulk up!

2005-03-23T08:09:00.000-08:00

Women just do not produce enough testosterone to bulk up like Arnold Schwarzenegger. In fact, not every MAN produces that much testosterone! So there really is no need to fear that lifting weights will make you lose your boobs and start swaggering like Popeye after he eats his spinach.

But try explaining that to the two whiny college girls I saw last night who wore little Skankarella workout wear (loose sweatpants riding low on the butt, unsupportive tank top allowing maximum belly pudge to ooze out.) They came and used "upspeak" to request the tiny 3 pound weights so they could do maybe 5 bicep curls.

Upspeak: everything is a question. i.e. "Hi??? I can't find??? these weights???? Could we???? borrow the?? like, 3 pound weights????"

What is the point?

2005-03-23T08:07:00.000-08:00

In the last week, while cleaning up the treadmills, I found a Snickers bar wrapper and a potato chip bag tucked in the place where you put your water bottle. So ---- these would be the calorie-laden foods they hopped on the treadmill to burn off.

Another wonderful irony is how people are always asking me which channel is the Food Channel so they can watch it while running. Last week, there was a feature on chocolate.

sometimes good things happen

2005-03-17T11:27:00.000-08:00

Believe it or not!

I successfully asked for time-and-a-half pay for any shifts where I have to work alone. They give that amount to anyone who comes in at the last minute to cover -- but usually that person is assisting someone who is already scheuled, and thus only doing half the work.

I said that a person who works alone should get the same pay. And my boss seriously considered it and got apprval to let us get paid that amount!

I also said I wanted some compensation for the months -- including the month of January with all the new business -- when I had to work alone. He said that he is not allowed to give actual money retroactively, but is working on getting me some sort of in-kind contribution. I said a service at our spa would be good, if he can swing it.

I am glad to have my suggestion taken seriously. A lot of gyms where I have worked would not have done anything at all.

An epic last few months

2005-03-09T11:47:00.000-08:00

OK. Since November 2004 -

I had laryngitis for 4 days and didn't close the gym.

The gym was on fire and I didn't close it.

There was a bomb scare for 3 hours directly outside and I didn't close it.

The fuse blew and the treadmills stopped, and I didn't close it.

I wonder if there is such a thing as "the Phantom of the Gym". That would make a right boring musical, that much I know.

How NOT to spot a bench press

2005-03-08T11:40:00.000-08:00

Back in DC, I worked at a gym with this trainer who was very flirtatious, shall we say.

He would ask female gym members to "spot" him on bench presses by straddling his pelvis. He would then rhytmically jam his crotch into theirs while lifting.

Needless to say, he was lifting very little weight. And I am sure you have already guessed that is NOT how you spot a bench press, nor how you would perform a bench press either.

On hiatus

2005-02-18T10:01:00.000-08:00

I will be on vacation (and not near any gyms) from Wednesday, February 23 to Thursday, March 3. I have a feeling no one at the gym will actually care. Fine by me!!!!

The couple was not that bad

2005-02-18T09:49:00.000-08:00

So I gave an orientation last night to the couple (the one with the complaining mother. See "Sigh", February 17, 2005.) They really were not so bad, except the wife constantly instructed the husband. Which I found amusing -- I mean that is a greater underlying issue in their marriage, and not something for me to tackle.

Basically, I started them in our weight-machine room, where everything is manufactured by the Cybex company. The good thing about that is all the instructions and photos "read" the same. So I taught them how to adjust any given machine so it is comfortable, how to check the photos to know if they have aligned themselves properly, what muscles they are working, and then how to lift the weight effectively. We made sure to find one machine for each major muscle group so they would have a basic routine.

The wife was very adept and caught on well, and could verbalize the instructions to me to show she understood the concept and what to do. Then she would verbalize them to the husband while he was lifting. Which actually did a lot of my work for me so I was happy, even if he was not.

hee hee

Oh --and the wife unfortunately wore an outfit so her butt-crack showed a la a plumber whenever she sat down. I just averted my eyes. About 90% of good manners is keeping your mouth shut, or so I have heard.

sigh

2005-02-17T08:56:00.000-08:00

I am brought down by the fact that I have to give a gym orientation to the complaining new mom (see "A Ton is Not Enough", Feb 11, 2005) and her husband tonight. How that conversation started last week was she asked me if we had a written brochure on how to use the machines. I said no, because each new member got 2 free hours of orientation by a personal trainer.

She got miffy and whined that she had her babies after she joined and can't find anything but their diapers (she can't find the orientation cards you are supposed to present for the sessions, but we always give them out anyway because almost everyone loses those.) So I said I would book her for a time that worked for her, and if they liked, they could come together. She said it was so hard to get a babysitter so they could find an hour to come to this gym. I asked if this time next week worked for them. Her husband jumped in and said "YES!!!" You could almost see the thought bubble above his head saying "For the love of God! YES!"

Then she filled out the comment card about how it was not a family gym and proceeded to tell me exactly why that was (even though she had no real case.) Her husband was handing her a sweat towel and coaxing her "Here -- let's go do some cardio! Come on!"

If my time was so limited and babysitters were so hard to get, I would not waste it bitching about the fact that I gave birth. I would work out.

She is fat and nasty. I am considering wearing an extra-small polo shirt for my uniform (instead of the typical loose one) to give her poor husband a break. Not that I want him -- he is not attractive! But I think she might shut up and try to be sweet-tempered if she sees his attention is elsewhere.

This is a skanky but effective strategy in the gym. I am a trainer, not a therapist and not your best friend. I just don't want to be bothered -- I just want to train.

Not a rant -- a rave!

2005-02-16T07:09:00.000-08:00

OK - we are going to start having a "Rave" shout-out every now and then too. Just to cut the bile.

Last night, I trained the sweetest 15-year-old girl. She was nice, attentive and willing to learn. She was very positive, liked exercise and was completely without attitude. I would train her for free. She rocks!!!

I have spoken!!!

2005-02-15T11:11:00.000-08:00

The other day on a pretty slow Sunday, I was subbing at the gym with another girl. Some cranky old woman came up to us in the cardio and said, "A colleague said to me -- and it was very intelligent of her -- that there should be a trainer up in the weight room especially on Sunday so that someone doesn't kill themselves." She pauses and says "I am a lawyer, and that is my opinion."

FIRST of all -- I had been in the weight room training someone for an hour and had left 5 minutes previous -- during which time that woman had been there. Second, the weight room was empty and the cardio area was full, and that is where someone is more likely to suffer from a heart attack which is why we are CPR/AED trained, and why the AED is kept in there. LASTLY, I have seen this woman before and she is never going to do enough exercise to kill herself because she hired a colleague of MINE for an hour and spent 25 minutes of it sitting on a bench outlining what she wanted from a routine, refusing to get up even when her trainer asked her to.

And I don't appreciate her little veiled threat of how she is a lawyer. I am a personal trainer, honey, and I work out more than you. The veiled thought here is I can kick your lawyerly ass.

A ton is not enough

2005-02-11T08:48:00.000-08:00

Some woman at the Y was complaining to me that it was not a “family gym.” Um, it has a top elementary school, babysitting services, a kids’ gymnastics team, swim classes, track classes – hell, every class there has a kids’ version! Do you need wet nurses on call too? Yeesh.

Where have you been all month?

2005-02-09T13:19:00.000-08:00

It happened again -- someone came in to the gym and said they had never seen it so busy. Um, it's been this busy since January 1st. Like all gyms across the country. At least you are not the one on hand to have to serve them, so please stop complaining to me. I have a lot of work to do, pointing out the water fountain and the bathroom to all the newbies.

I am no one's secretary

2005-02-07T13:27:00.000-08:00

I hate my fellow trainers who do not bother to be on time and then their clients/students etc come whining to me that they can't find him or her. It is not my job to look after their schedules. I have been in fitness for 8 years and NO ONE has ever had to come find me because I write my appointments down with this marvelous new technology called PEN AND PAPER.

The other night, a genius I work with was 5 minutes late setting up his boxing class. He didn't have the boxing gloves etc ready in time, despite having been there for 30 minutes. People get antsy and upset when their classes don't start on time, and frankly, I don't blame them. But it is still not my problem.

THEN, he apparently booked a training appointment for 8:30pm, even though the boxing class did not end until 8:45pm. I learned to tell time in the 1st grade. 8:30 pm comes before 8:45 pm, so the logical thing to do would be to book your NEXT thing for after the FIRST THING ENDS.

To top it all off, his ineloquent "lady friend" kept calling and asking for him with a voice so laden with attitude I wished it was possible to jump down a phone line and kick her ass. Like "where's my man? how dare you not know where he is?"

Can you tell I was not enjoying my shift??

so spoiled

2005-02-04T07:12:00.000-08:00

This happened in December 2004, 2 days after the massive tsunami hit Asia. At that point, 22,000 people were reported dead -- and that toll was huge to me! The current toll tops 226,000 and is expected to climb -- and the Health Ministries of affected countries believe they may never know the true number of the dead.

I cannot believe some members of the gym.

There was a small electrical fire Monday night -- started in an isolated area of the men's locker room, apparently. We evacuated the building, and about 10 firefighters arrived on the scene and took care of it. You could smell the copper wires burning.

People were such jerks about being told to leave. One guy in the pool actually said "I'm in water, so I won't burn."

It was not so bad that we could not be in the lobby 3 floors below (good thing too, as it was 19 degrees outside.)

People down there were jerks too. One girl came up to me (I am in uniform, of course) and says "I know this is a bad time but I brought a guest today and we just got here, can we have our guest passes back?"

I looked at her and said "You know, it IS a bad time and I don't work the desk. But if you come back another day and explain the situation, I am sure you will get your passes back."

Another girl entered the building while the firefighters were upstairs (there are about 100 people in workout wear in the lobby and 5 firetrucks outside -- wouldn't you think that would provide a clue?) She turns to me (I am by the door with some members) and says , "Is this a temporary thing or going to go on for a while?"

I say, "It's a FIRE so however long it takes is however long it takes."

And some other woman bitched at me that she has been SUCH "a couch potato" all day and needed her workout.

Well, Couch Potato, your dumbass can go turn into a French Fry by walking up into the burning building. Which one guy did, saying his wallet was in the men's room and he was going to go get it. A massive firefighter with an axe convinced him he should not be doing that. ha ha

And yes -- FDNY firefighters ARE cute!

What the hell are pantaloons?

2005-02-03T11:45:00.000-08:00

I was at the gym a few weeks ago and some nasty old woman held out a nylon jacket and barked at our nice locker-room attendant, "It's the same material as this, but it's white. If you see them, hold on to them, because they are my pantaloons!"

I have never heard anyone say that word seriously in a sentence.

Then we all proceeded to talk about how nasty that woman was right in front of her. Stop losing your crap at the gym!!! We aren't your babysitters!

a caveat

2005-02-03T07:02:00.000-08:00

It should be noted that there are many cool people in every gym. But to write about them would not be ranting, now would it????

Furthermore, there is plenty of bad behavior and terrible, near-obscene outfits on the men as well. I have seen more boobs and butts than I care to mention -- and that's from the men!!!

Please never do this

2005-02-02T10:42:00.000-08:00

Some woman at our gym runs on the treadmill in her swimsuit with shorts over it, presumably to save time before hitting the pool. But you have to shower before you go in the pool anyway.

She does this every day!! In the same exact swimsuit!! PLEASE buy a sports bra and a T-shirt!

No, she is not hot. She is old and flat-chested. And she runs weird too.

stupid snot gets on my nerves

2005-02-02T10:32:00.000-08:00

As it is January (and we had a massive Open House on Jan 10th which brought in an extra 200 new members), our gym is a little crowded. As a result, there are sometimes waits for the treadmills, but they don't last more than a few minutes.

The other day, some girl said there was an Error message on one treadmill and it was usually solved by unplugging and then replugging the machine. I had laryngitis and could not speak, so I just looked at her. She continues "So could you go do that for me?"

I give her a bit of an incredulous look -- just long enough to make her Marcia-Brady-lookin' ass feel stupid (she had that look that says "oh wow -- I am a cornfed honey off the bus in big bad New York! So do what I want because I am blonde!") Then I went with her to the treadmill and showed how, since all of the treadmills were in use, I could not get back there to do what she could do herself anyway.

She came to the trainer desk two seconds later and said "I guess I have to sign up on the waiting list! I have never seen the gym so crowded!" (Where have you been all month, then?)

At that second, a treadmill was free so I waved her onto it. Seriously -- she asked me to crawl behind a wall of moving treadmills to unplug and replug for her.

Remember that episode of the Brady Bunch where Marcia gets hit with the football and yells "Ow my nose?" Let's recreate that scene with my fist!!!!

Outfit of the Week -- possibly the Year

2005-01-31T09:24:00.000-08:00

A white cashmere cardigan under purple velvet overalls tied at the waist with a purple satin ribbon. For walking on the treadmill. With "I Love Lucy" red hair in an updo.

I saw this last week at the gym where I work on the Yupper East Side (not a typo.)